Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
