party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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