you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
