i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
