Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
