He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
