Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
