What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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