The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
So... In conclusion, do I bring my vibrator and risk not only having it getting taken out at security, but also exposing my dad to my neon green vibrator, or just leave it here?
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
