Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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