I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
