I hate your face
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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