my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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