Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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