Swine flu. Run for my life!
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Randomize
