One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
