I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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