I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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