my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
