All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
