Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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