A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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