Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
