Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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