Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
