she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Randomize
