Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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