i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
My vagina is very pro this idea
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