Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
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