There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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