just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Randomize
