I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
