i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
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