I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
