he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
