did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
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