Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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