i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
