Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
