Your tits are I can't wait for
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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