he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
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I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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