I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
