is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
