JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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