i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Randomize
