Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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