I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
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