I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Randomize
