ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
