I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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