I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
