I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
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