Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
is wine microwaveable?
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
Randomize
