I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
