I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
