The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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