Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
