my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
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I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
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The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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