im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
