Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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