is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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