I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Why is there bacon in the couch?
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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