I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Randomize
