New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You never know, some chick could have a weird unibrow fetish.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
